Mirror Work: Notes From a Calm Anxious Person

I’m functional, just not always fine

Mirror Work are reflections on what the mirror taught me this week: confidence, shame, surprise, or sometimes…nothing at all. The mirror scares the shit out of me, which is exactly why I keep coming back to it. Because getting dressed isn’t just about how I look, it’s how I find my footing. The right outfit can bring a kind of mental clarity, especially on the days my mind feels anything but clear.

Top (alt color). Shorts. Shoes. Necklace 1, 2, 3 (alt version).

Having anxiety isn’t a flex. It’s not a superpower. It’s a pain in the ass that a lot of us have and a lot of us could do without. But only in this last year did I diagnose myself (yes, you read that correctly, I diagnosed myself) as a calm, anxious person. And somehow that has allowed me to better understand myself in an anxious state.

Without taking you through my whole medical history, I’ve lived with anxiety and depression since before I was 10-years-old. But I didn’t understand what either meant for years. Which makes sense. It’s hard to explain to a kid that the emotions you are taking on, which feel very foreign, are actually completely normal, even as the world teaches them to feel shame about it.

I first realized what anxiety felt like in my body in my early 30s, and up until only recently have I been able to recognize the feeling and tackle it before it becomes something bigger. It starts as if I’m preparing for something, even when there’s nothing actually happening. Then it shifts into a kind of low, simmering rage. I get impatient, short even, and everything becomes more irritating than it should. I become someone I don’t really like. I get rude and dismissive, but I don’t want to hear the other side of it, so I shut down. Not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I have too much to say, and none of it feels right. It’s as if my nervous system is on fire, but I’m the only one who can feel the heat. My brain starts trying to solve for a problem that doesn’t actually exist, or inflates one that does. Everything feels urgent, everything feels important, and nothing feels clear.

But what makes it different in the last two to three years is I can catch it earlier. And catching it means lowering the volume on both what might come out of my mouth and the thoughts rushing through my head. I now say I’m a calm, anxious person because the anxiety rushing through me is invisible to the outside world. There’s almost like a timer in my head telling me that you’re going to feel uncomfortable in 30 seconds, so relax your shoulders and tell someone close to you what you’re feeling out loud.

For example, I have a lot of health anxiety. Yes, I still blame COVID. Honestly, I hate talking about my health anxiety because it feels embarrassing after all this time. But if I feel something coming on, a cold or a sore throat, I start spiraling that I could get my son sick, I could get my husband sick. If my husband is sick, he can’t help take care of Rory. And if Rory’s sick, he can’t go to camp, so we can’t get work done and then we’re behind. Then I try to talk myself out of feeling what I’m feeling so that gut instinct we always talk about having as a woman is obliterated. I don’t know whether I can trust my own body. If all this bubbles up, I have to pause and say to Ben, my husband, I’m fine, but I want you to know that I feel this way and I needed to say that out loud. And it helps. It really, really, really does. It’s my way of slowing down my nervous system so I don’t explode if anything health-wise I’m feeling progresses.

I didn’t learn this on my own. My therapist got me here. And the moment she told me to say what I’m feeling, good or bad, out loud, it rewired my brain. But I never thought I’d get here and sometimes I don’t even realize there’s been a shift. Writing this was a reminder. It feels cathartic even as I piece this article together.

That said, unpopular opinion: I don’t believe anyone is anxiety-free. You can’t really experience much if you aren’t anxious about something you care about. If you are anxious about something, then that means you care. How’s that for a reframe?

Im someone who can feel gripped by fear about a certain situation, but is also completely capable of moving through it. That’s a calm anxious person. And I’m okay with being that kind of person.

Tactics for the Calmly Anxious

1. Say what you’re feeling out loud to another person. Or maybe just put it in a voice note.

2. Stay present. Easier said than done. But when anxiety is high, focus on the immediate moment (or the next necessary action) to help move you through it. This is mostly a tip I use when I’m with my son. I will tuck my anxiety away by 75% (I don’t know the exact number because it’s still there in some capacity) so he knows I’m by his side.

3. Put on something that makes you feel confident and comfortable. Comfortable is VERY key. Clothes change your whole demeanor and if you’re anxious about how something fits, take it off.

Collected Distractions

A brain dump of what’s holding my attention (and worth yours).

Allison Bornstein Breaking News: I sped through this article by Allison Bornstein and fell down a rabbit hole. The best kind, btw. In it, she revisited/redid her three words, part of her signature three-word method and it inspired me to find my own. I’m not done, but the clarity I gained about my style so far has been eye-opening. More to come.

Oops, I’m Human: Ariane Anusbigian: If you haven’t read Ariane Anusbigian’s Oops, I’m Human, you must. It’s deeply relatable and incredibly honest.

And Repeat This: A lot of people scroll and call it “research”. Instead, before opening Instagram/TikTok/Substack/etc., create something first. Write the paragraph, make the decision, or sit with the idea you’ve been circling.

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