Mirror Work: How Instagram Flipped My Face and My Perception

Finding control in a world that judges how you look

Mirror Work are reflections or prompts on what the mirror taught me this week — confidence, shame, surprise, or just neutrality. The mirror scares the shit out of me. So think of it as character building and seeing myself without the performance.

About eight years ago, I was working on a photoshoot for Violet Grey. My colleague mentioned that the person we were shooting preferred to take her own photos, no photographer allowed. I remember thinking, “What a strange request.”

Fast forward to 2021, when I went through a heavy depression and was constantly at war with my body, and suddenly, I understood that person we shot completely. She needed control. When she held the camera, she could decide her angles, find her best light, and stick to her “good side.” She could also shut out everyone else’s opinions.

I didn’t take a full-body photo for years because I couldn’t stand to look at myself. But a selfie? That I could finesse. When someone else was behind the lens, I felt exposed and ugly. But when I was the one directing the shot, it felt safer, like I could control the story.

The above sets the stage for what this piece is really about. But I’m not doing photoshoots of myself, just selfies. And when I take a selfie in the Instagram app, the image looks mirrored. My face appears slightly flipped, and my proportions look different than when I use my phone’s ‘regular’ camera. Somehow, that IG app selfie makes me feel better about my proportions. Does it help my body dysmorphia? Temporarily, maybe 30 minutes. But later, it only makes it worse.

When I use my camera app, as in not in Instagram, it shows what my face actually looks like; it snaps me back to reality. Suddenly, I feel like a Picasso painting: unbalanced. Not in the sense of craving perfect symmetry, but in a deeper, harder-to-define way. It’s a dramatic comparison, I know, and I’m self-aware enough to admit that. And sometimes, I wish I had a little more delusion.

On Instagram, though, my face feels more tolerable. It even looks more like what I think I see in the mirror. But that’s the thing about dysmorphia, it warps not just how you see yourself, but what you believe is real.

I’m constantly questioning what’s accurate. Who’s telling me the truth? And if I’m being lied to by a lens, an app, or my own reflection, how do I make peace with this face I’m actively trying to like?

Part of me wants to avoid the camera altogether, to protect myself from disappointment. But that’s come at a cost. I feel sad when I think about how few photos I’ve taken over the years, but at the time, it felt like self-preservation. Now, I’m struggling with how to capture moments with my son and actually appreciate the photos, rather than dread them.

Instagram can’t fix dysmorphia (duh), and the mirror can’t rewrite reality. But choosing to be in the photo anyway, that’s a kind of control worth having.

Collected Distractions

A brain dump of what’s holding my attention (and worth yours).

Half of My Son

Nutritionist (and new friend!) Shira Barlow, MS, RD wrote a beautiful, deeply personal piece about what it’s like to only have her son half the time after her divorce. Maybe you can’t relate to that exact experience, but if you’re a parent, you understand the weight of not seeing your child every day. What I love most is how raw and direct her writing feels; it’s like she’s speaking to you, not to an audience. That’s rare. And she manages to capture that gut-wrenching, physical ache that comes with real heartbreak.

Maybe the Biggest Beauty Trend Right Now is Exhaustion

Russh Magazine recently ran a piece about how everyone suddenly wants to look sleepy: puffiness, eye bags, dark circles, the whole thing. I think it might have even been a TikTok trend a few years ago. I guess it’s back? Anyway, you do you. Rock your under-eye bags or book that lower blepharoplasty you’ve been eyeing. But this whole exhaustion aesthetic feels deeply tied to burnout. I’m a mom. I work full-time. I struggle with depression. Point blank, I’ve got a lot going on. I’m not covering my dark circles to appear “fresh,” but I also don’t want my tiredness (and trust me, I’m always tired) to be mistaken for some kind of badge of honor. There’s nothing aspirational about running on empty.

Why Everyone’s Obsessed with Substack: Jayme Cyk on Wellness Without Woo Woo

Here’s me plugging a podcast I was just on! The lovely co-hosts, Julia Bellary and Sasa Li of GlowJob, chatted with me about my journey getting off ADHD medication and cofounding And Repeat, why I’m anti–biohacking culture, my opinion on Substack, some baby hot takes, and how I feel about kids shopping at Sephora. Highly recommend you listen; it was such a fun and thoughtful conversation.

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